


Hesitation

by very_vary



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: 5+1, Canon-Typical Violence, Generally clueless Shiro, Lance is being a sharpshooter in the last bit, M/M, Oneshot, Past abuse in the Galra system, Pining Matt, Post Season 4, Shatt, There is some desc of a bullet graze tho, This is like 4 years’ worth of pining, is this how 5+1s work? hell if I know, pre-kerberos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-03
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2019-01-29 01:00:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12619544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/very_vary/pseuds/very_vary
Summary: 5 times matt holt couldn’t bring himself to say he was in love + 1 time he did





	Hesitation

**Author's Note:**

> hope y’all enjoy this bull-shatt (get it? i’m bad at jokes)

“Matt, get up. Matt, Matt, Matt.” Matt could hear his sister whining at the door to his room, knocking loudly, and he groaned, rubbing his eyes. “Matt. Mattman. Mom says you’ve got to get up or you’re gonna be late, and it’s your first day.” 

All grogginess left his face and he shot up, grinning. “Tell Mom I’ll be down in a few minutes, Pidge.” He might be running late, but it was his first day at the Garrison, and he wasn’t missing out. The Galaxy Garrison — holy shit. He was following in his father’s footsteps. He was out of shitty high school, out of a bunch of damn bullies taunting him and shoving him in lockers. Finally, he’d get to go to a school where everyone was a nerd like he was, finally, he’d get to have a life that wasn’t dictated by insults, mockery, and independent projects. He couldn’t wait, and he had a particular spring in his step as he brushed out his hair, praying it would stay flat for goddamn once. He pulled on his new uniform, straightened it out, and practically sprinted downstairs, happy to be greeted by a gap-toothed grin from his little sister and a soft smile from his mother. “Your father’s already in the car.” She handed him a biscuit. “Eat this on the way — have a good day. I’m proud of you.” She pecked him on the forehead and then patted him on the back. “Go — don’t be late!” He sped out the door like an Olympic sprinter with a wave.

His dad was all smiles and encouragement on the way there, and once they arrived, he checked in and headed to his first class, amazed by the new environment and technology. So amazed, in fact, that he almost got lost and almost missed the bell — he basically skidded to a stop in the classroom the second before the tardy bell rang. He apologized to the professor and hurried to one of the open seats in the front, glancing around once he sat. He looked to the desk beside him... and there he was. A boy a year higher than he was, with pilot’s markings on his uniform, and a jawline that made Matt want to faint. He flushed and quickly looked back at his desk before the boy turned to look at him with a smile that nearly knocked him out. He smiled back as best he could. 

“Hey. I’m Shiro.” He said, holding out a hand. “Uh, hi.” Matt managed to stutter out. “I’m Matthew Holt. Everybody calls me Matt, though.” Smooth. You got this, Holt. “You’re...” Incredibly attractive? A wonderful first impression to this school? A tall drink of water? “A pilot, I see.” He decided. Shiro chuckled. “Yeah. And you’re new, right? Welcome to the Garrison. Do you know your way around yet?” Matt shook his head. “I’ll show you around later, if you want.” Oh god, he was going to implode. Of course the hot guy he’d chosen to start crushing on now wanted to be friends. Of course. Why did he have to be so friendly and nice?? “Sounds great.” He squeaked. 

He nearly asked him out on the spot. It was on the tip of his tongue, smooth and tempting, but he was interrupted by the teacher beginning class and cursed the world. Another time, he told himself. Maybe another time.

—————

“Hey, Shiro, I was wondering if we could talk. Nothing serious. I just have something important to tell you. But it’s not a big deal, don’t worry. I mean, it is a big deal, but...” Matt groaned, deciding to stop muttering to himself. He’d been pacing around his dorm room, waiting for his roommate to pop in and think he’s crazy, rehearsing in his head how he wanted to confess to his longtime crush.

They were about to go to Kerberos! Their lives could be changing completely. They’d be famous when they got back, and part of him wanted to cling onto him while he could before fame went to his head or something. Shiro didn’t seem like that type, but you never know. He wasn’t sure if he’d change from the man he was absolutely head-over-heels for or not. Only time and ice samples would tell.

He couldn’t remember exactly when this little crush started, but it was when they still had classes together, before Shiro bypassed him and moved onto the advanced levels. It was weird calling him ‘sir’ in public now that he’d graduated, but he couldn’t walk around calling him ‘Kashi.’ He was a professional now, right? Ugh. He rolled his eyes. Come on, really? Was he getting fucking salty out of procrastination? He’d gotten over it. He was literally digging this stuff up again because he didn’t want to focus on confessing right now, but he had a deadline. If he wanted this boy, he’d have to speak now or possibly forever hold his peace. 

“Hey, Kashi, no, he’ll think that’s stupid, um, sir, no, that’s too formal. You’re confessing, not asking for an extension.” Matt was going to throw himself off a bridge if he didn’t get his act together. “Shiro. I was wondering if you were busy? I want to talk a bit... That feels awkward. Why does that feel so awkward?” He groaned again, resisting the urge to pound his head against the wall as he continued to talk himself through this. “Just... go. Don’t think about it, just go and talk to him. It’ll be fine.” He straightened out his uniform like he always did, tried to control his wild, strawberry blonde hair, and stepped out of his room, putting his hands in his pockets and starting to walk. He made it maybe 10 feet before he chickened out. Yeah... he wasn’t gonna get this in before the mission, and he wasn’t confessing in front of his dad. This was gonna be a long five months or so.

—————

“Shiro, don’t—“ Matt murmured, panicked, as Shiro took his hand and pulled him close as best he could, trying to make sure this alien general didn’t separate them. They’d already taken his father, he didn’t want to lose him, too. “Why are you doing this?” Shiro ended up blurting out in indignation, which sent a wave of pain through Matt’s chest. The general whipped around. “Excuse me?” Oh, no. He was steeled with fear, his heart pounding in his chest as that monster approached, metal boots making horrifyingly final clanking sounds with every step. “You will not speak unless spoken to, prisoner.” He spat at Shiro, making Matt’s grip tighten on his hand. “You’re worth nothing. You hear me, scum?” Shiro averted his eyes, but the general grabbed his chin, forcing him to look forwards. “Tell me. Say you’re worth nothing.” The general growled.

Shiro hesitated, and he felt anger bubbling up in his chest, mixing with that fear, as his grip became like a vice. He saw the general’s grip tighten, too. “Say it, prisoner. Now.” There was more silence. “Now!” He roared, and everyone but Shiro flinched. 

Matt couldn’t take it. “Leave him alone!” 

The second the words left his mouth, he regretted it, as the cruel gaze of the general shifted, dropping his chin and moving onto the shorter human. “We’ve got a feisty one over here, huh?” The blood roared behind his ears. The general let out a cruel laugh and backhanded Matt, hard, shocking him enough for him to let go of Shiro and tumble back. The general spat on him, and Shiro lunged to fight for him, but he was quickly restrained by two Galra guards. He was dragged back up to a standing position by a third, holding him away from the other. The general looked the two of them over. “These two will do well for the ring. Assign them group 117 and put them in cell block 98.” 

He moved on to other prisoners after that, and the guards shoved them forward, forcing them out of the room they were being kept in. He didn’t know how long they walked through the compound before the two of them were finally dumped in a cell unceremoniously. At least they were together. They looked down at the rags they’d been forced into, and Matt took one look around before his shoulders started trembling and he broke down sobbing right there on the dirty floor. After a few moments, he felt Shiro’s arm wrap around his shoulders, and he could hear his quiet crying, too. He immediately buried his face in his shoulder, and they just cried into each other, terrified and uncertain.

Matt quieted down after a while, but stayed close, and a desperate, fleeting part of him just wanted to open up right there, admit how he felt, because he had no idea if they’d ever make it out of this hellhole. They were alone and they were running out of time, but... He couldn’t put more pressure on Shiro’s shoulders if he didn’t feel the same. He didn’t want to put tension between them while they fought to stay alive — that was horrible, and just unfair to him. He wanted something to cling onto, something positive to help pull him through, but he knew that was selfish, and, well, he already had something. Shiro was already holding him. This... this would do. This would be enough to make it through. 

At least for now.

—————

The roar of the gladiator ring was too loud, too overwhelming. He shook at the front of the line as he heard the announcer introducing Myzax outside of their holding pen. He glanced behind him, at Shiro, at the others slated to die tonight. Shiro was the only one who even stood a chance, with his record in the ring, but he wasn’t first. He wasn’t one of the two first, and Matt was. It took a few moments before he realized how heavily he was breathing, dragged into a panic. He knew he wouldn’t make it out of that ring alive. He stood no chance. “I’m not gonna make it. I’m never gonna see my family again.” Poor Pidge would never get her big brother back. This wasn’t fair. “You can do this.” Was a quiet reassurance from Shiro behind him, a warm touch in the cold atmosphere, but he knew it was an empty statement. He wasn’t making it out of that ring, and the both of them knew it. 

He gasped as the door opened and the guard turned, selecting him to fight, and there was a terrified moment of silence as he realized this was it, these were his last words, the last things he had left.

But Shiro had decided otherwise. He let out a yell and charged past him, shoving him back roughly by his shoulder into the aliens behind him. He attacked the guard and took the blade the guard was holding, turning around after a moment. “This is my fight!” Matt was frozen, shocked, terrified by the tone of his voice and the look in his eyes. It all happened so fast: he lunged forward, and there was splitting pain in Matt’s knee, making him cry out in pain and tears well up in his eyes. Shiro tackled him, his head slamming against the hard floor. His ears rang, and he was suddenly afraid he wouldn’t even get the chance to die in the ring. Shiro screamed at him, and all he could do was shake before there was a pause, a blessed pause, and as he mumbled “Take care of your father,” everything suddenly made sense.

He was dragged by the guards off of him and he was frozen in shock for a few moments before he realized he had to do something. “No!” He screamed, unable to put any weight on his bleeding leg but still struggling to get up. “Kashi! No! Please! I—“ He was cut off by the final slam of the closing door, and he broke down as a guard yanked him to his feet. He fell, his injured leg unsupportive, and they dragged him, too, in the opposite direction. The unspoken ‘I love you’, the hasty, desperate confession, still sat on the tip of his tongue, like it had many times before, as he cried, knowing he’d never be able to have his arms around him as comfort again.

—————

In retrospect, he wondered why Pidge hadn’t given him a heads up that she had Shiro with her. 

He’d happily sat and listened to her excited rambling and explanation of what she’d been up to while she flew him back in her lion. It was the most calm he’d been in a very long time, back in his element with his sister. His sister, a paladin of Voltron. How amazing was that? He had known she was going to be spectacular when she got older. He never doubted it for a second. And she got the nerd lion, too — which he was eager to tease her about. He didn’t interrupt her at all, his breathing steady, his posture relaxed and casual, not at all looking like Officer Holt, or the prisoner he’d buried in a fake grave a long time ago. He just looked like Matt, scarred but still a guy in his early twenties, trying to stay afloat, sitting with his younger sister and letting her gush about aliens.

The ride back to Olkarion wasn’t long at all— regretfully. He wanted to spend more time catching up with her until they were dragged back into Official Rebellion Stuff. It had been a long time, nearly two Earth years, since they last spoke to each other, and they were both very different people. They could use a quick catchup session. But, no, duty calls, and so she had to introduce him to everybody and get him settled so they could sync up their knowledge of Galra activities. And he had plenty of it, that was for sure.

He stayed quiet as they landed, letting an eager Katie lead him out of the cockpit and onto the planet’s surface, where the other paladins were waiting. He’d admit, even though the princess got his heart pounding, he’d made a big deal out of how beautiful she was to try and embarrass his sister. He couldn’t help it — his big brother instincts kicked in, and suddenly it was his job to be as out-there as possible to tease her in front of her friends. Unfortunately, he didn’t get much of a reaction from her, though it was kind of funny to see the blue paladin all up-in-arms about his flirting. He was about to move on, ask about the gigantic ship they were standing underneath, when the small crowd parted, and his breath caught in his throat.

“Shiro?”

He couldn’t describe with one word the emotion that made him freeze up. It was a gigantic clusterfuck of feelings: shock, hesitation, uncertainty, unbridled happiness, relief, and… there it was again, those old butterflies in his stomach that appeared whenever he saw him. He bolted forward, grinning, and started to pour out his feelings again. “It’s so good to see you!” But everything had changed, and there was dread pooling in his stomach, too. Matt was no longer the scared kid in the ring that Shiro had left behind. He didn’t… he didn’t know what he was to the black paladin now. So, he defaulted to formality. “Uhm… sir.” He offered his hand instead of a hug like he’d planned, straightening up, hyperaware of his posture again and the scar on his cheek, shoving the feelings he wanted so badly to admit to the back of his mind.

But when Shiro took his hand, he pulled him back into a hug like he’d wanted, and it seemed like everything fell back into place, like it was meant to be. He closed his eyes and sighed happily, and everything was okay again. He pulled back after a moment, and it was hard to even focus on his teasing, reassuring words, because he had almost all of his family back, and that was all that mattered.

—————

Matt almost never had the chance to catch Shiro alone. Almost.

There would be an occasional moment where they were the last ones left in a room, golden minutes of knowing looks and comfortable silence or quiet chatter. He savored them like nothing else, before they broke away to their individual organizations. They had things to do now, and they were a part of something bigger than them. There’d be time to rest and focus on themselves once this battle was over, or at least, they could rest when they were dead, right? He craved those times, clung onto those times.

This was not one of those times.

“Shiro, two to your left!” Matt yelled into his helmet, breathing hard, his hands shaking slightly on his staff like they always had and probably always will. He took down two more Galra soldiers as the red paladin, (Lance, was it Lance? God, he was so bad with names in the middle of a battle) shot down ones they couldn’t spot and generally provided cover fire. But they just kept coming, and he found himself nearly back to back with Shiro as they fought back the ring of opponents. His heart was slamming against his ribcage, and he was reminded that this wasn’t his kind of fight, that he wasn’t built for this physically or emotionally and he knew it — but he was in the fight now, and there was no backing out of it. This was war, and he didn’t get to back out and hide from the fear and the flashbacks anymore. He just had to fight through it. Like he always had.

“I don’t know how long we can keep this up. Lance, how many are there left?” Shiro groaned into his helmet, too, as the other man struggled against the waves of soldiers nearly in sync with him. Lance’s uncertain voice echoed to the both of them. “Uh... I dunno. They just keep coming. I can’t get all of them — you guys are gonna need to get to cover, and soon.” Matt let out a breathy laugh. “Really? Hadn’t noticed.” He started to scan the room and nearly got shot, so he just focused on the task at hand. “Where can we go? I can’t afford time to look for a place myself.” 

There was a pause as Lance scanned the area. “Ten o’clock, there’s what looks like a storage room. I can shoot the panel and lock you in, and it should hold until the others get here.” Matt kicked a soldier out of the way with a grunt, managing to tear his eyes away for a moment as Shiro did the same.. “It’s good enough. We’ll head there. Lance, focus fire to the ones blocking the way. Matt and I will take care of it from there.” Shiro decided, and they worked together, fending them off as best they could as they slowly made their way across the hangar they were trapped in. He looked again. The way was clear, the door open. “Okay. Let’s just run for it. They’re gonna find out what we’re trying like this.” Matt pointed out. “If we run, we can make it.” Shiro made a noise of disapproval, but he had a point. “I don’t know…” The other man groaned, shoving his staff through the electronic chest of a sentry. “I don’t hear any other ideas! Let’s go. Get ready, Lance!” He called out, getting into a good running stance. “3…” His blood rushed behind his ears again, but he’d long gotten used to it, as much as he didn’t want to. “2…” He’d never been a fighter, but war doesn’t care who you are. “1…” He had to do what he had to do. “Let’s go!” 

Matt bolted, shield up, Shiro hot on his heels. A shot hit his right leg and he cried out, but he kept running, his feet pounding against the unrelenting metal. He could hear the Galra soldiers close behind him, but the room was only a few meters away by this point. They could make it. They could make it. He skidded into the room and fell with a thud as Shiro slid in behind him, the sound of the panel frying and the door slamming shut punctuating the moment. For a second, it was just their ragged breathing in the dark, but Shiro found the lights, and they flickered on, revealing Matt, a bit of a mess but alive all the same. “Lance?” Shiro checked the comms, but Lance’s voice came out garbled. Matt cursed quietly. “Something’s running interference. It’s just us on the channel in here, now.” He dragged himself up to sit leaning against a shelf, examining his leg. “I got hit, but it’s not much. I’ll hold out until the others get here.”

The others started taking a very long time, and blood had long since seeped through his pant leg and started a small pool. Shiro had started pacing, and the Galra had started trying to bust their way in with brute force. Every bang made him flinch, edged him further away from rational thought, and dammit, he couldn’t take it anymore.

“Shiro, I’ve got to tell you something. It’s important.” No going back now.

Shiro raised an eyebrow. “Is now really the time?” Matt actually shushed him. “Shut up, Shirogane, before I come back to my senses.” He had limited time before they got caught or he remembered how crazy it was to say this. “Look, if the Galra get in, we’re fucked, or I guess I’m fucked, so I have to clear the air in case I lose you again.” He’d never go back to one of their damn camps or the ring. He’d rather die. This would be his last chance to ever talk with Shiro again if they got in before backup did. “Kashi, I…” He hadn’t used that nickname in a long, long time, and it tasted foreign yet familiar on his tongue. He wouldn’t give up the stupid nickname for the world, though. “I love you.”

The second the words came out, he groaned. “God, I must sound horribly clingy. I just… I’ve been in love with you for years. Before now, before the Galra, before Kerberos. You should’ve seen how Pidge used to taunt me about crushing on you.” Yeah, she did not let her big brother off easily on that one. “And for years I kept putting off telling you, and then you kept leaving me and I beat myself up for never giving me the chance to say it. Over and over and over and it was just this wicked cycle of me wishing I’d just blurt the damn thing out already. So here I am.” His voice was full of hope, almost desperately so. He needed to let it out, and there was a vice grip of pain in his chest, terrified that the last thing he’d hear from Shiro would be a rejection. 

There were a few moments of silence as Shiro stopped pacing, and his heart was pounding, an even more terrifying thought darting through his head. The last thing he might hear from Shiro was nothing at all.

But that only lasted a few moments before the silence broke, and it was with a quiet, disbelieving laugh. “What took you so long?” He walked over and sat down beside him with a groan that echoed through Matt’s racing mind. “It hasn’t been as long for me. I don’t want to lie to you. But… it’s still there.” He felt his ribcage might shatter and burst if Shiro kept talking like this, but he continued. “And so are you, thank god. You’ve made it through all of this, I’ve hurt you, you’ve joined a war I know you don’t belong in, and now… You’re a fighter, Matt, and I know you don’t want to be. But I’m still proud of you, and you’re still here with me.” Fat, hot tears were dripping down his face before he even realized they were. He let out a breathy laugh, wiping them away and resting his head in his hands. “Get to the point, please.” Matt murmured, slightly muffled. He closed his eyes and focused on his breathing while he waited for a response, and the response he earned was a soft kiss to his temple and the four words he’d been wanting to hear for what felt like an eternity.

“I love you too.”


End file.
